Nature is A Bitch. And She Wants to Kill You.

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Can I interest you in some zucchini? I happen to have extra on hand. Oh you already have some? Well, do you know anybody who would be willing to take some off my hands? I stuffed all I can in the freezer and we simply can't eat the stuff fast enough. Why did I plant it?  Excellent question. It's not like I wasn't fully aware of the consequences but it was one measly plant. I figured, what's the harm in that? Zucchini is so nice in the winter when you buy it at the store. They import the stuff from somewhere that's having summer, right? Even the name, summer squash, entices you with thoughts of summer's abundance of delicious veggies and fruits. You've got to get creative with this unexpected bounty.  Besides ratatouille or roasted and stuffed, slices are delicious sauteed with garlic and basil or lemon and parsley. Sweet zucchini bread makes a lovely snack. Most delicious of all are zucchini fritters. You can cut them into fries and dredge them in seasoned flour or bread them in dry crumbs with Parmesan and bake them.  Or shred them, salt them, squeeze out the liquid and add egg and flour and fry into little cakes you can top with all kinds of things.  A great Asian dipping sauce for zucchini pancakes (or just about anything else) is made by combining one tablespoon of soy sauce, three tablespoons of rice vinegar, one teaspoon of sesame oil, one and half teaspoons of sugar, a quarter teaspoon of red pepper, and one chopped scallion.

Once you're sick of eating it, try giving it away. The UPS man shows up with a package? Thank him with zucchini! Homeless man at the traffic light? Instead of a greenback, give him zucchini! Sneak around the neighborhood after dark and leave little zucchini bombs on your neighbor's doorsteps. And of course just looking at this phallic fruit will conjure some interesting ideas. Just wash thoroughly to remove any prickly hairs or errant insects and dispose of after each use.

Last winter we bought a house in the hills near South Pasadena with a property much larger than we had intended to buy. Sure, I wanted a garden. I just didn't want to have my own private mountain. It just happened to be attached to the perfect house. It was December and it was warm. The property had been untouched for at least fifteen years and there was a colossal amount of work to do, inside and out. While the contractor began tearing up the inside, I took advantage of the spring-like weather and worked feverishly on the outside. You see, my husband had always dreamed of having a Japanese garden. All the windows we were planning on enlarging and adding to the house faced the mountain that is our backyard. I wanted to put the Japanese garden on the slope so that the garden would be the view framed from each of the windows. Just at the top of the slope there was a flat area with a raised garden bed that was perfect for an herb and vegetable garden. Conveniently, it would be hidden by the formal garden. I began by installing a labyrinth of drip irrigation. I amended the clay soil with compost. I lay down landscape fabric and mulch. I created a dry river bed with rocks and planted my pines, bamboos and  decorative grasses. I placed my rocks and my lantern.

I have always had a green thumb. It has not always
served me well. Have you noticed that nature can be slightly unpredictable? Water and nutrients began to attract wildlife. Beside bunnies and hummingbirds, a coyote made an appearance; and a giant poisonous centipede, and an enormous spider called a false tarantula that is related to true tarantulas just without all the hair. I had experienced this before. "If you build it they will come." Here's another cliche that is also true: Fail to plan and plan to fail. I had never done any vegetable gardening in California before and being used to the Northeastern climate I thought there would be ample time to prepare my vegetable garden before spring. Almost too late I discovered that you plant your vegetables in California in January!

I had herbs in pots that I had been dragging around from loft to loft before we bought the house. I stuffed those in the raised bed and then ran to Home Depot and got some tomato plants, some kale, chard, peppers, and one damn zucchini. The soil was a heavy clay that would take a few seasons to improve so I didn't expect much. The result was an explosion of growth unlike anything I had ever experienced. Because I had not mapped out my vegetable garden with the same thought and care I had taken with my formal garden, chaos ensued. And the reigning King of Chaos is King Zucchini. This was a tidy little plot when I first planted it. There is a gravel path with a small statue of Buddha placed in the center. Very Zen. You can see from the photo that King Zucchini swallowed Buddha whole. I don't think he plays well with others. Or perhaps he doesn't suffer false idols? He's like the vegetable equivalent of Cthulhu. His power is mighty. He can grow a zucchini the size of a baseball bat in a single day. Under that mass of vegetation are prickles that can raise a skin rash in seconds.  My husband keeps telling me to cut the nasty thing back but I keep giving him excuses like it might kill the whole plant or it's going to die soon anyway. The truth is I'm afraid. The bunnies have disappeared. I think the King may require blood sacrifice. It may be silly but I'm keeping the cat inside at least until Autumn.